Comfort or motivation these are the two major reasons for building a fire. Sometimes I set it before me other times under me. The warmth can be soothing and the light dazzling, but licking flames move me off the spot like nothing else. Fuel and surrounds contribute to the effect. Mental state and personal company provide dampening or air. How high the flames rise or how long they burn varies widely. Inspiring my passions, my thoughts, my fears the conflagration is an apt tool as long as I don’t go up in smoke.
Try to go sometimes with the grain and others against it.
IN THE COMFORT OF MY ROOM
I sit and panic concerning the future.
I have come through Hell
Built a safe and satisfying life
But it will all end soon, I can feel it.
The tide rises in my soul.
The blood red tide of self-doubt and degradation.
I fail to see my strength or intelligence
Hell, I can’t even remember the sheer willingness which has carried me this far.
All I see is shreds.
Tattered little bits of my hopes and dreams
Scattered by the breeze of fate.
What is the point of me being in this sweet space
If I’m going to intellectually turn it into a dungeon?
Why set out fluffy pillows
Only to frighten myself daily
With thoughts of their removal?
How can I pray for safety and practice personal terrorism?
My mind is closed to the double-side of life.
I know the destruction but forget the glory.
I have washed ashore in the land of love and support
I need not drag my mind and spirit to the nether world of hopelessness
I’ve been to the dark places
My task is to warm in the sunlight today.
You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault