My father used to destroy a perfectly good watermelon by cutting a triangle in the top and pouring a bottle of vodka into it. I used to destroy my perfectly good melon the same way. Emulating bad ideas in new ways was a onetime pastime of mine. Giving it up was harder than I had expected. Flawed thinking blends so freely with my mental landscape I have trouble distinguishing it. Condemning the action and not the man is not usually my preferred method. I would rather condemn the man, but this leaves me with the actions in place and him long gone. And though I prefer him gone I will recreate him within myself if I don’t flush his actions as well. I have a good pumpkin on my shoulders but it is my job to keep it intact.
No need to wait for joy, jump when you please
LIFE IS TOO GOOD
I know it sounds crazy, is crazy
But I hate having the fear, the gnawing gut, of WHAT IF
WHAT IF I can’t maintain this, the sober life I live.
WHAT IF I get struck, unable to connect to my Higher Power?
I had a spiritual awaking
WHAT IF I get spiritual narcolepsy?
My spiritual cord was cut when I was young, not by my choosing
WHAT IF it gets cut again?
“WHAT IF this line of thinking cuts it?” Asks my sponsor
I hate when she’s right.
WHAT IF this is a test?
Be like them or not.
Follow the path of the twelve steps
When there is no weight of need pushing me
When everything is going in my direction
I have to keep my eye on the ball for myself.
I am still not God
This is the lesson
The abusers never learned
The one I have to.
What went wrong was not bad people
Making bad choices, in bad circumstances
It was disconnected people
Making decisions without help.
I have to stay in your pocket
Never be a free bird
I have to remember what true freedom is
It’s not being cut loose.
I have had that
And it never felt free
Keep your eye on the ball
And hold onto my hand.
You are reading selections from More Sober on the Way to Sane and Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault