“Wanting to be alive is not as important as wanting to do right,” said my sponsor.
“I don’t want to be here,” I half blurted, half sobbed.
“I know,” came the reply. “Many of us come in not wanting to live.”
“But sobriety is about living.”
“Yes, and you want to be sober,” said my sponsor.
“But I don’t want to live.”
“This moment. This moment you don’t want to live but you still want to be sober. You still want to do right.”
“And that is what you’ll do. You’ll pick up the tools as you have done so often and you will try everything suggested. You’ll see how you feel tomorrow.”
“What if it doesn’t go away?”
“You’ll keep it up and see how you feel the next day.”
“What if I never feel better?”
“Ah, well. When have you ever had anything that dependable?”
Don’t force joy to simmer let it boil over.
Van and I
(Happy cleaning windows)
When the fog clears and I still can’t see,
I check my optics and wash my windows.
The mundane upkeep hones my pursuit.
After the weather and housekeeping concerns
are managed, eye exercises are next on the agenda.
I have to strengthen my equipment,
stay fit or fall prey to vagaries
of nearsighted limits or farsighted failings.
Myopia is an ever present danger
I must guard against as well.
A fixed focus is a death trap.
I must learn to track a moving target
while I wend onward.
Nothing in life is stationary;
concentration and a decent line of sight
are priceless rudiments.
Continual practice with the tools and tactics
build my confidence and sharpen wit.
Burdens are lightened
when I see my goal in stark relief;
I can chart my path and make my way.
Sobriety means if I can see it I can believe it,
so I best go get the Windex.
You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault