THE DEALS I’VE MADE
Because they are deals and not resentments or secrets, these circular schemes did not come out in my fourth step. They didn’t come out in the wash; they come out whenever they are broken. If the deal is don’t eat pickled herring and you won’t have to remember X, the deal will get broken when pickled herring is served to me at some social gathering. As I get healthier, the breaks connect ever more deeply. What in early sobriety would have given me unexplained discomfort now gives me full-blown flashbacks. And I watch the deal unravel… you weren’t supposed to eat this because this is what was on the plate when… but now that it’s on the plate here, now you have to face this ugly roiling mess. The deals saved my life, but unless they are handled with care and honesty, they can cost me the life I have now. I must choose a safe person and place to share these broken shards, living alone with this will not work and making it public fodder is a set up as well. In every one of these deals there is a back door to a drink and therefore We have to go out the front door together.
Pick three color words and use them all day.
The Long Dark Ride
Are fear and ignorance one thing
that looks like itself
or terrifying twins who feed one another?
Can they be separated
and if they can will it kill them?
And if they die
what will spring from their remains?
Will it be better or worse?
Can I tell what better is?
Should I tell if it turns out to be worse?
Is there ever an end to either fear or ignorance?
If there is, how deep is that well
and will I survive a trip to the bottom?
Do you know and do you care?
Will you go with me if I find the way?
Will you take me if you find it first?
You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault