Sweat

March 3

 

 

SWEAT

 

I turn the desk lamp into the eyes of God.  I put question after question to the construct of my childhood concept.  “Would you please explain?”  Or, “Exactly why did You do this, that, or the other thing?”  “Are You now or have You ever been a member of…?”  I put the pressure on; the beads of perspiration join, then trickle.  I have God in ‘the box.’  I will not relent.

“I don’t understand You,” I say disappointedly, as if speaking to a troubling adolescent.  “You have so much potential if only You would apply Yourself.”  The icon shakes Its head slowly and deliberately; I shake my head, too.  So much time has passed and I am no closer to embrace.

“You don’t understand Me,” says God to me.  Dawn breaks; I uncuff this mythic creature.

“You are not the one I am looking for.  You are free to go.”

 

 

 

New is neutral, not better or worse.

*

 

 

Stepping up

 

 

I look along the list of names,

look upon the sea of faces.

Are there any whose eyes I avoid?

 

I gaze across the landscape

are there any craters,

any pock marks, any divots.

 

I tick through my actions

those I’ve recently taken

checking for stubbles, glitches, snafus.

 

These combined facts and figures

create a portrait of my day;

I appraise the eyes, the hair, the teeth.

If I can smile at what I see

all is well if not I begin the repair.

 

 

 

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

 

 

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Feeding the Monster

April 25

 

 

FEEDING THE MONSTER

 

Who will feed the monster once they’ve made her?  Her hunger burns in her like a beacon.  Should I let her starve?  Should I put her on rations of old crusts and tepid water?  Rebuke her as if she were her own idea?  Possibly bind her hands and cover her eyes?  Stand her in line with the good girls and fit her in?  Turn her visage from her desire and tell her to forget?  Hold her hand and tell her that’s enough?  When I stand in the face of her yawning hunger, what do I say?

“It’s for your own good.”

Well, that’s what ‘They’ said, too.

 

 

Round the corners and square your shoulders.

 

*

 

 

Blinded

 

 

Alcoholism hits me like a kind of blindness.

I stagger through the living room

cursing anyone who changes familiar placement

or published timetables.

 

Like every aspect of this disease

shocked sightlessness is mine to deal with.

I must pick up the white cane,

procure the Seeing Eye pup,

learn to read clustered Braille.

 

When my vision clears

in these well worked spaces I am relieved

but I must accept that when I walk into a new room

more often then not I will be blind again

and must pick up my walking stick once more.

 

 

 

 

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

 

Posted in 12 step recovery, aa, abandonment, abuse, acceptance, Access, achievement, Blinded, Family Dysfunction, Fear, gentleness, Misguided behavior, mistake, Model Sobriety, Moderation, more | Leave a comment

Escaping Through the Ceiling

April 24

 

 

 

ESCAPING THROUGH THE CEILING

 

 

Up and away is my motto; upwardly mobile is my goal.  If I can flee without leaving a track, I’m clean.  No heart-wrenching walk down the aisle or the lane.  No dust on my shoes.  No possibility of stumbling.  Grace at all cost.  Empowerment through elevation.  If I must leave my human plane to attain this, so be it.  Give up my natural rights, such is life.  But, yet, if I lose my bonds to earth what did the leaving gain me?  I arise to appear better; as a result, I appear not at all.

 

 

Hold your hand then touch your face.

 

*

 

 

 

Imperturbable

 

 

Perfectionism is a cover,

a blanket of lead;

hard to move and rich with poison.

 

What it tries to hide

is my unwillingness to struggle and strive.

It’s not a fear of failure,

but the horror of success after a long hot pursuit.

 

If I can stall on the intricacies of the first move

there is no further movement.

If I can fail before I begin

there is no sweat, no stain, no stink.

 

Catastrophe is no bother,

but skinned knees are my undoing.

Winning is not so important to me;

my unfortunate goal is to look untroubled.

 

 

 

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

 

Posted in 12 step recovery, aa, acceptance, achievement, Escape, intimacy | Leave a comment

Rank

April 20

RANK

I took an area level service position and my sponsor laughed herself off her chair.

“What is your motivation for this?” she asked.

“I want to move up through the service structure,” my reply.

“Are you trying to make rank?”

“Problem with that?”  I ask.

“Ever heard of self-fulfilling prophecy?  You will become what you desire.  You will become rank and you will stink.  The triangle is inverted to help you clean up your act.  Don’t get washed away in a tide of ego.”

I put down my swim fins and removed my epaulets.

 

Listen intently enough to hear the music of the planets spinning in your mind.

*

Bummed

I accept change

like coins slipped into a cup

that sits beside me on the curb.

Never did it occur to me

that I look in need of pity

or alms from strangers;

Which is to say

I don’t accept much these days,

yet I do not fight it either.

I keep my head down

when I can no longer fend off the inevitable.

I may not win control or compliance,

Might not remain strong enough to fight another day,

but this too is a blessing somehow.

A laying down of arms.

Money in my pocket

makes the world a funny place to endure

when I’m living in the tiny room in my head.

What good news it would be

if I learned to throw the windows open

and let the day take me.

This time it’s God

that needs to wear the ear muffs

and lead me through the coldness of change.

On my own I just walk farther

down the blind alleys

and fold myself on this sidewalk in exhaustion.

I don’t like the tea or the sympathy,

but I don’t think I would mind if God took me in.

 

 

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

 

Posted in 12 step recovery, aa, acceptance, Access, bummed, rank | Leave a comment

Drowning Naked

April 19

 

 

 

DROWNING NAKED

 

 

Bare and exposed, I laid myself on the altar of my home group.  With AA as my only Source, I emptied the contents of my soul and bore the mantle of overexposure.  But vultures lurked in many rooms.  I was safely guided, by persons of my gender, to the more secluded and effective place of transmission.  I thrust myself into the arms and mind of my sponsor.  She escorted me up the steps with the door closed and taught me how and when it could be prudently opened.  AA is a power greater than me.  So is the ocean.  Precaution needs to be taken when wading in.  Care must be exercised as to how much to bare.

 

 

Wrap your intentions in wool to keep them warm and in gold to keep them untarnished.

*

 

 

 

Bound

 

 

The reason the sleeves of my disease

wrap around and tie in the back

is so that I will struggle with change.

 

Alcoholism is my straightjacket

and my goal is that ‘loose garment life’

I’ve heard so much about.

 

The sweat I work up

from railing against my confining existence

causes petulance, frothing and enervation,

 

Defeat is the landing on which I collapse,

acceptance a flight of steps away.

My ailment leads me to believe

I have nothing to hold onto as I adjust.

 

Though this isn’t true,

the fact remains that this is still

a process of letting go.

 

 

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

 

Posted in 12 step recovery, aa, abuse, acceptance, Access, Bound | Leave a comment

Claw Marks

April 18

 

 

 

CLAW MARKS

 

 

There is a brackish river whose current changes direction twice a day.  Its bed is well washed on every side.  It begs the question: which way is downhill?  There are times I struggle uphill in both directions.  There are times I slip from every slope.  What was up is often down.  Judgment of topography requires distance.  Scaling the surface takes tenacity.  I plan on leaving my mark as I go, life’s residue staining my fingertips.

 

 

Design caution signs for your emotions.

*

 

 

What I Take from Laban’s House

 

 

If I have the audacity to have a problem

I must provide the instantaneous solution

or be the cause of world-wide panic.

Additionally it is the height of rudeness

to have open-ended dilemma.

 

It makes the gods uncomfortable,

makes them shift in their seats

and wish me away.

 

I prevent banishment

by either being problem free

or solution-full

 

When the answers are not to their liking

I exile myself saving them the inconvenience

and me the embarrassment.

 

It is never good to implode the household deities,

you never know when you might need one

for historic perspective or a door stop.

 

 

 

 

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

 

Posted in 12 step recovery, aa, acceptance, Access, closeness, fearlessness, Feelings, Fighting, giving voice, God | Leave a comment

Trap Door

April 15

 

TRAP DOOR

 

 

The trap door of my mind opens occasionally and I find myself acting out things better left to conversation.  When I leave too many things unsaid, the pressure builds and the door opens.  My thoughts connect with my body minus the benefit of my brain, not to mention the brain of my sponsor.  I can ill afford the consequences of these open door exhibitions and I am obligated to spend much time scrambling up the hills my outlandishness slid down.  Thinking, speaking and contemplating, the prerequisites of action, must be done frequently or my mind’s sink, piled with my dirty dishes, will flood the counter top, then leave dishes crashing to the floor.  Even if I can’t keep everything caught up, at least I can leave things soaking.  I can start notes or little chats so I am not weighting the latch.  I can prevent the coupling of impulse and exploit. All I have to do is stick out my tongue.

 

 

Release your emotions from captivity.

 

*

 

 

Like an Elf Working in an Empty Tree

 

The chairs in the loft are empty,

but I still hear the choir sing.

The bottle though it’s empty,

still sometimes calls my name.

 

Though front pocket is empty

and there is rolled up empty sleeve,

still the nicotine haunts my dreams.

 

On this empty road I travel,

I still long for company.

The stillness is not all that’s empty,

but I run to fill that spot.

 

Chaos is like a tapeworm

it eats me from the inside,

but in the meantime I still believe it’s filling me.

 

 

 

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

 

Posted in 12 step recovery, aa, acceptance, Access, Truth | Leave a comment

Willing Piecrust

April 13

 

 

 

WILLING PIECRUST

 

 

I lay the crust of my will over the pie plate of God’s will for me.  I must have the willingness to trim off the excesses.  I hesitate; I worked hard to roll it out.  I know from past experience, when hot issues come up, these tags and hangings-on burn and drop sometimes ruining the flavor and appearance of the whole.  It is easier to cut loose the things outside God-given intent.  I get the pie in its entirety when I crimp and bend to the shape of my life.

 

 

 

 

Hope is free, so spread it around.

*

 

 

 

 

Chickens and Eggs

 

Who is more sober

the early riser or the long-timer?

How do we get here and what does it mean.

 

It all starts with a day, which is good

because this is more than we had hoped for,

sometimes more than we could do.

 

Then it moved into an ever escalating game

of can you beat this, each day an improvement

over what had been accomplished the day before.

 

For years the standard bearer is the pain or relief

of the very first in this string,

orbs of 24, yet here stands the question,

 

“Is the essence the last pearl you touch

or the total of the strand, which makes it real?”

I don’t know for sure.

 

Sobriety is like light;

is light made up of waves or is it made up of particles

and the answer is invariably yes, for it is.

 

And what you need and how you look at it

seems to make the determination,

scientific method or no

 

The watched is affected by the watcher and vice versa.

The end is a day round and imperfect as any

and what is strung between the beginning and the end

is what you’ve made of it.

 

 

 

You are reading selections from Sober on the Way to Sane and More Lines From My Life by Sherrie Theriault

http://www.amazon.com/Sober-On-The-Way-Sane/dp/1440417342/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576888&sr=8-1&keywords=sober+on+the+way+to+sane

http://www.amazon.com/More-Lines-From-My-Life/dp/1448677203/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1388576956&sr=8-1&keywords=More+Lines+From+My+Life

 

Posted in 12 step recovery, aa, acceptance, achievement, ego, expectation, freedom, God, goose, gratitude, gravity | Leave a comment